Security and desire exist in creative tension—not opposition.
The very things that make us feel secure in relationships can extinguish the spark of desire.
Book summary
Foundational TextPerennial SellerGoodreads Favorite
Mating in Captivity
by Esther Perel
Unlocking Erotic Intelligence in Committed Relationships
Exploring tension between domesticity and sexual desire in relationships
4.2(8.9k)Published 2006
Topics
RelationshipsSexualityPsychologyMarriage
Reading companion
How to read Mating in Captivity with Readever
Read this book with a partner or discuss key concepts as you go. Use Readever to flag Perel's insights about the tension between security and desire, and mark case studies that resonate with your relationship dynamics. After each chapter, pause to identify one small change you can make to cultivate more mystery and separateness in your partnership, then reflect on how it affects your connection.
Things to know before reading
- Perel challenges conventional wisdom about intimacy—be prepared to question assumptions about closeness and desire
- The book explores the paradoxical relationship between security and excitement in relationships
- Come with an open mind about maintaining individuality within partnership
- Focus on Perel's concept of "erotic intelligence" as a skill to develop, not a problem to fix
Brief summary
Mating in Captivity in a nutshell
Mating in Captivity examines why passionate sex often disappears in long-term relationships and how to bring it back. Drawing on twenty years of couples therapy experience, Esther Perel explores the paradoxical relationship between security and desire, arguing that too much closeness can extinguish eroticism. She provides practical insights for maintaining sexual vitality while building domestic stability.
Key ideas overview
Mating in Captivity summary of 3 key ideas
Perel's revolutionary insights challenge conventional wisdom about love, intimacy, and erotic desire in long-term relationships.
Eroticism requires separateness and mystery.
Eroticism lives in the space between two people, not in their fusion.
Modern relationships carry impossible expectations.
We expect our partners to be everything to us—best friend, confidant, co-parent, and passionate lover.
Start reading Mating in Captivity for free
Ready to continue? Launch the Readever reader and keep turning pages without paying a cent.
Book summaries like Mating in Captivity
Discover similar journeys
Reignite passion while maintaining security in your relationship.
This summary gives you the tools to understand why desire fades in committed relationships and how to cultivate erotic intelligence. You'll learn to balance intimacy with individuality, creating space for passion to thrive alongside domestic comfort.
Deep dive
Key ideas in Mating in Captivity
Key idea 1
Security and desire exist in creative tension—not opposition.
The very things that make us feel secure in relationships can extinguish the spark of desire.
Perel argues that modern relationships demand both security and excitement—two needs that often conflict. While we crave predictability and safety for emotional stability, erotic desire thrives on mystery, novelty, and uncertainty. The challenge isn't choosing between security and desire, but learning to cultivate both simultaneously through what Perel calls "erotic intelligence."
Remember
- Create deliberate distance and separateness to maintain erotic charge
- Balance familiarity with novelty in daily interactions
- View your partner as a separate, mysterious individual, not just an extension of yourself
Key idea 2
Eroticism requires separateness and mystery.
Eroticism lives in the space between two people, not in their fusion.
Contrary to popular belief that intimacy means merging completely, Perel suggests that erotic desire requires maintaining individual identities. When couples become too enmeshed—sharing every thought, feeling, and experience—they lose the separateness that fuels attraction. Eroticism thrives on the tension between knowing and not knowing, between closeness and distance.
Remember
- Maintain personal interests and friendships outside the relationship
- Cultivate mystery by not sharing every thought and experience
- See your partner as someone to discover, not someone you already know completely
Key idea 3
Modern relationships carry impossible expectations.
We expect our partners to be everything to us—best friend, confidant, co-parent, and passionate lover.
Perel identifies the "burden of modern coupledom" where we expect one person to fulfill all our emotional, social, and sexual needs. Historically, these needs were distributed across communities, but today we place impossible demands on romantic partners. This overload of expectations can suffocate sexual desire, which requires freedom and playfulness rather than obligation.
Remember
- Distribute emotional needs across multiple relationships
- Release your partner from the pressure to be everything
- Create space for sexual play that exists outside daily responsibilities
Context
What is Mating in Captivity about?
Mating in Captivity is a groundbreaking exploration of why sexual desire often diminishes in committed relationships and how to revive it. Drawing from her extensive experience as a couples therapist, Esther Perel challenges conventional wisdom about intimacy, arguing that the very closeness we seek in relationships can extinguish the erotic spark.
The book examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and desire, exploring how security and predictability—while essential for emotional stability—can undermine sexual excitement. Perel introduces the concept of "erotic intelligence" as the ability to balance these competing needs, offering practical strategies for maintaining passion while building a secure foundation.
Dive deeper into Mating in Captivity
Open Readever's reader to highlight passages, ask the AI companion questions, and keep exploring without paying a cent.
Review
Mating in Captivity review
Perel's writing combines clinical insight with poetic sensibility, making complex psychological concepts accessible and compelling. Her case studies feel both specific and universal, revealing the hidden dynamics that shape modern relationships. The book's strength lies in its refusal to offer simple solutions, instead inviting readers to embrace the inherent contradictions of love and desire.
Critical Reception: Mating in Captivity became an international bestseller and established Perel as a leading voice on modern relationships. It has been translated into 25 languages and praised for its original perspective on maintaining sexual vitality in long-term partnerships. The book's insights have influenced both therapeutic practice and popular understanding of relationship dynamics.
- International bestseller translated into 25 languages
- Groundbreaking perspective on maintaining sexual desire in committed relationships
- Combines clinical expertise with accessible, compelling storytelling
- Challenges conventional wisdom about intimacy and eroticism
- Offers practical strategies without oversimplifying complex dynamics
Who should read Mating in Captivity?
Couples experiencing diminished sexual desire in long-term relationships
Therapists and counselors working with relationship issues
Individuals seeking to understand the dynamics of modern partnerships
Anyone interested in the intersection of psychology, sexuality, and relationships
About the author
Esther Perel is a Belgian-American psychotherapist recognized as one of today's most insightful voices on modern relationships. Born in Belgium to Holocaust survivors, she brings a multicultural perspective to her work, having lived and practiced in Europe, Israel, and the United States. Perel holds degrees from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and Lesley University.
In addition to Mating in Captivity, she authored The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity and hosts the popular podcast "Where Should We Begin?" where she conducts live couples therapy sessions. Perel's TED Talks have been viewed millions of times, and she consults with organizations worldwide on relational intelligence and communication.
People also liked these summaries
Keep the momentum going
Categories with Mating in Captivity
Discover the Readever catalogue
Build your personalized reading stack
Download full-length ePubs in one click with personal cloud storage.
Blend AI-guided insights with tactile note-taking to accelerate reflection.
Follow curated reading journeys tailored to your goals and time budget.
Sync highlights across devices so lessons stick beyond the page.
Mating in Captivity FAQs
Still curious about Mating in Captivity?
Sign in to Readever to keep reading with AI guidance, instant summaries, and synced notes.
Final summary
Mating in Captivity offers a revolutionary perspective on maintaining desire in committed relationships. Perel's central insight—that eroticism requires separateness and mystery—challenges the modern emphasis on total intimacy and transparency. By cultivating erotic intelligence and embracing the creative tension between security and excitement, couples can sustain passion throughout their lives together.
Inside the book
Add detailed content, analysis, and insights about Mating in Captivity here.
This extended outline can capture critical concepts, practical applications, and deeper understanding from the book. Use this space to provide comprehensive notes that enhance the reading experience.
Featured titles
Curated reads from the Readever team
The Psychology of Money
Morgan Housel
Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness through psychology
The Total Money Makeover
Dave Ramsey
Proven seven-step plan for debt elimination and fitness
Blue Ocean Strategy
W. Chan Kim & Renée Mauborgne
Create uncontested market space and make competition irrelevant
Ready to keep reading smarter?
Start reading Mating in Captivity for free and unlock personalized book journeys with Readever.